Sari-saring kuwento

Just changed the design of my blog. While reading through the previous entries I made, I just realized that the design was quite sad because it was all blue. Tapos iisang flower lang yung nandon. Parang it’s matching my mood…sad din at feeling nag-iisa.

Super-emote that’s why I can’t help but shed a tear or 2 when I went through the previous entries specially dun sa sinulat ni Angela. I guess I still have this feeling na gusto ko pa rin ng kausap and right now I am not getting this at home. Yah, Dong and I talk…we talk about work, about Angela, about work. Nothing wrong with it but I also miss talking about us…like  when we talk about anything and everything…when we talk about our plans…what we want…what we went through…yun ba. I miss the times when we would talk ourselves to sleep. This doesn’t happen anymore and it’s sad…I’m sad.

I always remember what Margie asked me when we met I think a month ago, “Happy ka ba?”. And now that I think about it, I still can’t bring myself to saying “YES!” with conviction.

This is what I say when I am so p&#!%#d off with the CM’s I speak to over the phone. And this is what I feel right now….irritatingly irritated (if there is such a word). I was supposed to watch Angela since she was a participant in their school program for Linggo ng Wika. I was actually in a hurry to go home. She texted me this morning that the program will start at 9am. I was texting Dong asking where they were already and if it started but there was  no reply. There was only one reply that I got and I can’t even understand it. I arrived at Jesu but I was too late. So I wasn’t able to watch her. I went out to look for Angela and saw Dong instead. I asked if he was able to watch it and he said no…because he came from the barber shop because he had his hair cut!!!!! A hair cut!!!! GRRR!!!!! After I heard that, I really had to shout to get my emotions out because if not, i will really cry in front of a lot of people. I was really so p%#*d off that I really walked out on him.

I was hoping that at least one of us would be there to watch Angela…but no…he decided to get his hair cut. When I confronted him about it when he got home, he said the school’s programs always start late so he didn’t think that Angela would be through by the time that he got back from his hair cut. Correct…he didn’t think…period. At home, I was really shouting already. I told him isn’t this the reason why he didn’t go to work in the first place…to watch Angela participate in the school program. He has the whole day to have his hair cut and he had to pick the time just before that program. Dang! He said, the program was over so there’s really no need to be fighting over it. He said I could take a picture of Angela anyway. He didn’t get it. I could take a picture of her in her costume tomorrow if I wanted to. But nothing could bring back the time that she participated in the school program…no amount of pictures after that can bring the moment back. I know there will be others but it’s different. Because I was so consumed with my emotions at that time, I stormed out of the house and went somewhere else. I’m not sure if I can stop myself from talking if I stayed there for a minute more.

I’m not sure if entering this in my blog would help…and i’m not sure how others would look at Dong from now on but right now, I’m really pissed. Don’t get me wrong…he’s a good man…but times like this you know…it’s just…grrr!!!

I just feel so sad for Angela right now because she was expecting both of us to watch her. And instead, neither one of us saw it. For a person who’s very sentimental about things, not having even a picture taken while she’s performing is a big deal for me. And I hate the fact that I won’t be able to relate to her when she talks about this and how she did at that time.

I don’t know…maybe I’m just reacting to my own guilt. Lately, I have this feeling that I don’t attend to Angela as much. Because of my schedule, I cannot spend enough time with her when she comes home from school because I need to go to sleep. By the time I wake up, I would need to prepare for work. This was, supposedly, a time when I would be able to attend to her and watch her but it didn’t happen.

It’s just so sad…

I’m sad…

The past two days was a celebration for us. Last March 30 it was Dong’s birthday then March 31 was Angela’s. Both times we went to the mall to celebrate these events but it was Angela who had the most fun. Last Sunday, we ate lunch at Angela’s chosen place - just in SM Bicutan. Then we watched a movie of Vhong Navarro - who is Angela’s favorite. Thought that I wouldn’t like it at first but the movie kept us laughing the whole time so I guess it was okay. Except for the time that the 4 slices of pizza we didn’t finish during lunch and brought to the moviehouse as "baon" fell on the floor (which, I found out later on, the people behind us ate…eewww! But to be fair, I guess those people ate the slices that didn’t touch the floor). Then nag-videoke. I realized that I cannot sing "I’d Rather" and "Through the Years" without crying. The next day, we went to MOA to officially celebrate Angela’s birthday. There was just one glitch because I went into one of my moods when Dong decided not to go to the Science Center anymore because of budget constraints. I would just like to say though that I got disappointed because Angela wanted to go last Christmas but I told her that we will just go on her birthday and it still didn’t happen. I just felt bad for her….and for me. Even when Dong offered to buy the cupcake that I wanted to taste in Brownies…I said no and still wallowed in self-pity. But unlike before where this "mood" would last for a week, it only lasted for an hour or two…yes, I’ve changed. I am "mature" enough to realize that I can’t have my way all the time…after an hour or 2 of sulking, that is. And because he knows that it’s his fault…hehe…he bought me shirts (take note…plural ito) after buying Angela her gift. Then we ate at Sbarro’s…then I asked for the cupcake we saw at Brownies But it was a waste of money because aside from it being expensive at PHP 35, it wasn’t that good either…they should just stick to making brownies instead. In a nutshell, that was Dong’s and Angela’s birthday blowout.

For my part, the most flattering thing a man could tell me that day was, "Ma’m, wala pong kasya sa inyo dito…dun kayo tumingin sa regular sizes."  - SM salesperson, while I was looking for a skirt at the plus size section. YES!!! haven’t been to the regular size section for a number of years. With that alone, it actually made my day.

Happy nga ‘di ba…

Never thought that "Click" would make me cry…but it did…twice. Babaw di po ba. Pero kasi, sobrang naka-relate ako because of our situation right now. I can’t imagine kasi Angela growing up and us missing on all the details. That would be the saddest thing, wouldn’t you think so? Lately kasi, due to Dong’s work, the most that he can be at home awake is like 5 hours…the rest of it, of course, he sleeps. More often than not, this is what I complain to him about now…lack of time. When before, he has all the time in the world, now, we would have to fit in to his very hectic schedule so we could be with him for one day. It’s just hard kasi you would understand why he works so hard…we know that it’s for our future. But on the other hand, you want to tell him to slow down and not worry about the future and worry about what’s happening now…with us. Ang hirap manimbang. I just wish there could be a happy compromise here somewhere.

Went to Trinoma yesterday. Just like any other mall in the metro, super jampacked ng tao ang mall na ito. One just gets to wonder where all these people are coming from…and to think may mga malls na rin in almost every kanto ng edsa! But what was most unforgettable in this place is not what we saw there…but what we bought. Sobrang big deal nito para sa akin because for me, it marks a milestone not only for me as a mom, but para na rin kay Angela. Aside from her Christmas clothes….we bought her…her very first bra! ‘Di ba…nakakaiyak. Ibig sabihin, she’s starting to grow up na…kainis di po ba. Yun lang…

Masabi ko lang…this was made last July 18…but since nagkakaproblema nung araw na yon ang blog sa friendster, ngayon ko lang ito nailagay dito…

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Yes, yesterday was may birthday. And to those of you who know…yes, I am ___ years old. To those who don’t…wag nyo nang alamin…anyway, I don’t look it naman (yes, what confidence!!!).

As a sign of leaving the old year behind, I cut my hair short. Sabi nila para matanggal daw ang malas (wish ko lang natanggal na nga).

My birthday was uneventful. We just went to mass and that’s it…we didn’t even go out to celebrate my birthday. No… we did go out…to SM bicutan (again) just to check on my e-mail and return some vcd’s but that was it. Ang lungkot di po ba? But despite it being uneventful…it was, in a way, insightful (may word ba na ganon)? Basta yun. After all these years it looked like nothing changed. I mean, I feel the same way I used to feel 10 years ago. I didn’t think I matured enough. I don’t think I have accomplished enough. But then again, when I think of all those years that I have been through…it brought me to thinking that yes I did mature, in a way. And I did achieve something…in a way. The relationship that I went into wasn’t easy…but I survived…we survived. If I remember right, I told my friend when the relationship just started that this will only last for 2 weeks because at that time I feel that these kinds of relationship really don’t last…well, I was wrong. We’ve had times where we had to be apart but I guess that was what made us stronger. I’m not proud of how the relationship started but I’m proud of how it lasted up to the present time. To those who know my story, I don’t recommend this nor do i disagree to it…it’s just that it’s a hard situation to be in. I guess maturity came in when I decided that I want this person to be in my life and by doing that, I would have to "suffer the consequences" and fight for what I want. Actually, I’m not really sure if that was maturity or just being plain stubborn. I was looking for an achievement. To some, it may mean a higher paying job, having your own house and car before you reach the age of thirty, going abroad and making it. Just last night, i realized that I want these things too…but what I want most is the family that I have right now. This is my achievement…a relationship that for me lasted more than it should, a daughter who from the very start didn’t give us any headaches even when she was a baby…a happy person if I must say…a loving and happy family. All these years, I could count the times when I was given a gift by this person…when I last counted, around 3…including Christmas presents. But surprisingly, I never complained about it. We joked about it, yes…but it never was an issue between us. I guess having him and Angela is a gift in itself that I never looked for anything more…all the gifts we could have bought each other, we bought for Angela instead. His gift to me…someone that would make the first move to hold my hand while walking, while in church, in the movies, sa jeep, taxi, fx, bus, and if there’s a chance, while having breakfast lunch and dinner, merienda and midnight snack, and while we talk ourselves to sleep…someone who takes me to Luneta, Fort Santiago, Manila Zoo, the park in Scienceville (Better Living lang po ito) while eating Happy Peanuts, taho or just chichiria and coke and it would still feel romantic…someone I could talk to and tell all my fears and dreams to, a person who understands how I am and who I am and why I am the crazy person that I am, a person who sticks with you through thick and thin and a person who loves his family with a passion. This is the gift that I want…and I have it.

Now, if we could just have a house and a car and 1 million in the bank…that would be nice as well

I don’t know if I just overreacted or if it was just normal to feel scared as I did last Sunday. ‘Cause last Sunday, I thought I was really going to die. Saturday night, I already felt something blocking the area possibly, where food passes. I didn’t feel good at that time already but I still went to work. After work, I went through the usual route of passing by SM Bicutan to first check my e-mail. While reading my e-mails I felt the same way I did the previous night and added to that, I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to burp but I couldn’t. So I bought 7-up so that I could burp…or fart…anything…just to let air out of my system. But nothing happened. I was finding myself gasping for breath already and I was already breathing through my mouth because I was thinking that if I breathe through my nose, it’ll just make things worse. I called up Dong who was in Cavite at that time and told him of what I felt and asked him to fetch me asap. I immediately went to Prime Care to have myself checked up. For 20 minutes I was walking around, sitting, standing….expecting the worst to happen. When I finally was checked up by the doctor, I was told that I may have experienced heartburn. But not to worry because it can be remedied. At that time, I was alone in the doctor’s office thinking only of the what ifs. At the back of my mind, I was thinking of mommy. This may be what she felt when she was gasping for breath as well. Finally, Dong arrived and when I saw him I cried so hard because I was happy to see him and that I’m happy that he still saw me alive. Call it overreaction but I felt that that was my near-death experience. I cried because of Angela…because of my family. I didn’t want to leave them this early.

With all these said, I now see the importance of burping and farting (excuse me for the word). Now, everytime I do these two things, I would say "Thank you Po". So if you hear these words from me from now on, you know what just happened…hehe.

Last Sunday was fun. Sobrang nag-trip kami talaga ni Angela. Remember "Ang TV"? Sa mga nanonood do’n nun, I’m sure naaalala nyo pa yung kanilang jokes that always start with "esmyuski". Tapos ngayon naman, sa Going Bulilits, mahilig sila sa mga jokes that would start with…"sino daw…" or "ano daw…". Anyway, while watching tv, napagtripan kong to ask Angela ng isang "sino daw" question. Sabi ko sa kanya, I’m sure ipagkakalat mo yan sa school nyo. Ang bakla, in denial at hindi raw niya ipagkakalat. Pero maya-maya bigla akong sinabihan na gumawa pa raw ako nung mga gano’n. Sabi ko naman, hindi ko pwedeng pilitin…sabi ko it just comes. So quiet siya. Ewan ko ba kung anong nakain ko pero nung may naisip nga ako, sasabihin ko muna kay Angela in a small voice, "Esmyuski"…sagot naman ang bakla, "you’re eksmused"…tapos magtatanong na ako…"sino daw ang…" tapos sasagot siya ng "Sino?"…ang sagot ko naman…"eh di si…" tapos it would end with "ngee!!" O ‘di ba, trip kung trip. Kakagano’n namin, nakailan akong questions na ganon sa kanya. Share ko lang yung mga nagawa ko…ewan ko kung I might have heard this from somewhere pero in my heart, ako ang gumawa nito. Anyway, here goes:

- Sino ang artistang body of water? - Ray-ver Cruz

- Sino ang artistang parang sirena ng pulis? - Pok-wang wang

- Sino ang artistang parating nakasakay sa kabayo? - Iya! Iya! (with matching action na parang nangangabayo) Villania

- Sinong artista ang parang nalalaglag? - Ai!Ai!Ai! (action ka rin na parang nalalaglag…hehehe) de las alas

- Sinong artista ang candy? - Piolo-li-pop-scual

- Sinong artista ang parating naka-damit? Vhong Naka-varro

- Sinong artista ang kailangang labhan? - Lucky Mantsa-no

- Sinong artista ang mahilig tumawa? - Ma-hahaha Salvador

O ‘di ba kainis ang pagka-corny. No violent reactions ha…sineshare ko lang naman…basta natawa ang anak ko, ayos na sa akin yun. That’s all that matters…

thanks Karen…sobrang ito yung mga nasa isip ko sa mga araw at oras na ito. Swak na swak…

You Can Change Your Life, But It Won’t Be Easy

You really, truly want to change. You’re just not sure that you can do it. You need a solid plan, supportive friends, and a strong will. Think about times you’ve made hard changes, and what you did to get through them. A change is in your future - you just need a little help getting started.

http://www.blogthings.com/canyouchangeyourlifequiz/

This started isang gabi na nakatayo ako sa ilalim ng lamppost habang naghihintay ng tricyle papalabas ng better living. Wala lang….nagsimula sa isa, hanggang sa marami pala itong mga ito.

Naiinggit ako sa….

…mga taong pwedeng gastusin ang 13th month pay nila for their own caprices without feeling guilty about it.

…mga taong merong 6880, N70 o N73 kasi ito ang mga pangarap kong celphones. Hint, hint sa mga gustong mag-regalo (asa pa ako ‘no?).

…mga taong mataas ang AHT, mataas ang offer rate, sales rate, PPH, CPH, qa, etc…in short, mga taong nakakaabot ng metrics nila.

…mga AMO, MO, QA, AVP, VP, President…in short, yung mas matataas ang sweldo kesa sa akin. Although I don’t envy their jobs…gusto ko lang yung sweldo.

…mga taong balingkinitan ang katawan (take note, hindi patpatin…balingkinitan)…for obvious reasons.

…mga taong makikinis ang mukha…basta gusto ko rin yon.

…mga taong marunong mag-dala ng damit.

…mga taong outspoken dahil kaya nila sabihin ang gusto nilang sabihin.

…mga taong di kalakihan at di kalaparan ang paa kasi hindi mahirap hanapan ng sapatos.

…mga taong magaganda ang boses dahil pangarap ko rin ang maging singer (pwede, walang tatawa).

…mga taong bata pa pero mature na ang pananaw sa buhay…dahil ako yata ang kabaligtaran ng mga ito.

…mga taong magaling mag-sulat at gumawa ng entry sa blog.

…mga taong kayang gawing napakaganda ang mga layout sa blog nila.

…mga taong close sa siblings nila na halos barkada na ang turingan nila sa isa’t isa (hi Karen!)

…mga taong may mala-APO na friendship

…mga taong malakas ang loob na mag-apply for a higher position (never really tried it, probably because I never really qualified).

…mga taong athletic.

…mga taong malakas ang loob na sumali at nananalo sa Game k na Ba, Deal or no Deal, Pera o Bayong, etc.

…mga taong may bahay at lupa.

…mga taong walang utang.

Hindi ito wish list…dahil kung wish list ito at natupad ito lahat…grabe, perfect na ako. I’m sure kulang pa ito dahil hindi ito matatapos dito.

Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko: I’m sure meron din silang kaiinggitan sa akin - si Angela, si Dong, my bro Paul and sis-in-law Marie, si Ate Doris, ang mommy ko (sumalangit nawa), Pricks (mahirap isa-isahin…), and friends that have been there for the longest time kahit di na kami masyado nagkikita but still manage to keep in touch.